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Kingdom Of Heaven
Greetings all!
Well, tonight, myself and my partner went along to the cinema to check out what I assumed was going to be a very promising movie - Kingdom Of Heaven. Instead of seeing what we thought was going to be an epic adventure on a rather grand scale, it turned out to be an epic snoozefest. It started with a very long and pointless beginning which took Balian (Orlando Bloom) all the way to the far east, where he set up camp after his father died (Liam Neeson), and turned into an all out war between Christian crusaders sporting the "chi rho" symbol on their garments, and Muslims led by the infamous Saladin (Ghassan Massoud).
Thing is, Saladin is not used to being beat, and refuses to go away lightly. He managed to call out the crusaders to come and fight him and his army, but the one thing they all thought they'd be able to get by without was water. What? No water in the dessert? Are ya crazy? Or just plain stupid? Hmmmmm, maybe a bit of both. Saladin manages with almost no effort to slay damn near the whole army, and then parades its king naked and riding backwards on a jackass. Nice. The next thing ya know, Saladin's army is bombing the place with firebombs being thrown from mighty siege engines. Honestly, this was the only part of the movie worth watching.
As Saladin's army advanced on the walls, the crusaders rewarded them by returning fire, and employing the bowmen to flood the place with an arrow storm, and finally, pouring boiling oil down on their heads. Ahh well. At any rate, Saladin won the day. He manages to convince Balian to give over the whole of Jerusalem, and save the remainder of the people who were living there in exchange. Although there's a lot I have left out, you'll just have to trust me when I say it doesn't bear mentioning! Those who claimed the part of Balian as played by Orlando Bloom was wrong for him - you're absolutely correct. Orlando makes a better supporting actor than he does a leading man.
This movie just plain sucked. The only thing that stopped me walking out before it was even halfway through, was how much we paid to get in to see it in the first place. Out of 5 stars I give it 2 for having no plot, and maybe 4 for the action sequences - they were the only thing worth watching. The trailers SEEMS very promising - it's what made me want to see it in the first place. Have a look http://www.kingdomofheavenmovie.com/trailer here and you'll see why. They only show the decent bits. According to http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2005/118/52.0.html Christianity Today magazine what happened in the movie is not at all indicative of real events, but then, we know this already. Almost no one in the movie business ever really tells it like it is. Thumbs down on this one ladies and gents. Hang out for the likes of War Of The Worlds and Batman instead.
In service,
Silver
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